The importance of allowing time for ‘the process’…

So, the last episode of Generation Cryo.  What a roller coaster it has been.  But what I find so fascinating is Bree and the half-sibs ambivalence about actually meeting the donor now that they have regular contact with him.  There were clearly going to be some of the sibs who would not want this.  Hilit for one. But enthusiastic and gung-ho Bree herself seems to have doubts about whether or not she wants this or it is likely to happen.  Personally, I suspect it has by now…surely that is where most of them were going?  What is truly delightful to see is the great pleasure that the half-sib group get in being together. A new sib, Maddi, was introduced in this last programme.  She is 19, facially looks a lot like Bree and was at first reluctant to meet the others.  But Jonah and Bree’s warmth and encouragement won her over and she too joined the joyous gang.  Jonah and Hilit’s dad Eric J remains upset and anxious about contact with the donor.  Unfortunately his wife seems completely unsupportive of his feelings which makes it hard for him to really process them.  They are stuck miles away from each other and I think this is likely to be symptomatic of something else going on in their marriage.  I suspect the difficult feelings between their parents account for the notes at the end of the programme that told us that Jonah and Hilit were currently both uninterested in meeting the donor.  I think Jonah would like to but really doesn’t want to hurt his dad.

Several of the half-sibs had moved in their positions on writing to the donor or wanting/not wanting to meet him over the course of the series.  As I was watching I wrote down P R O C E S S and thought later how applicable this is to many things both inside and outside the donor conception world.  It takes time to process thoughts and feelings and this is something that continues throughout our lives as we live, grow and change.  It is something that can happen internally and apparently spontaneously and/or it can happen because of further information gathered or events experienced.   Eric J’s fears remain the same, although he is a grown-up and tries not to project them on to others, but moving on is difficult whilst his wife refuses to acknowledge the validity of his feelings.  Boston Jesse doesn’t want to see a likeness between himself and his donor.  His anxiety almost seems to be around being recognised (recognising himself?) as a ‘donor kid’.  He will mature and with the support of his half-sibs is likely to feel comfortable with this in time.  His feelings are acknowledged, even if others do not share them.  Other people, social relationships, are very important in the processing of feelings.


About oliviasview

Co-founder and now Practice Consultant at Donor Conception Network. Mother to two donor conceived adults and a son conceived without help in my first marriage.
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