Mixed feelings about pregnancy following infertility

Heard the BEST news today.  A friend on her second round of egg donation announced that she had had a 12 week scan this morning and seen her babe waving it’s (unknown sex) arms and legs around.  I couldn’t stop smiling.  She, on the other hand, feels she cannot celebrate properly yet because she knows of people who have lost pregnancies at a much later stage and this baby is too precious to fall in love with just yet.   So much sadness and disappointment (let alone time, effort, money and relationship strain) is not dispelled easily, even with the longed for blue line on the pregnancy test or indeed a very positive 12 week scan.   My experience within DC Network is that the longer a woman has been ‘trying’ and the more disappointments she has had, the harder it is to celebrate the thing she has been desperate to achieve and even when the baby is born it can be hard to let go of the anxiety and be a normal mum.  It’s not like this for everyone, but it is for many.  What is so sad is that others have little insight into the complex feelings of someone who has had to fight so hard to achieve a pregnancy.  They simply assume she must be over the moon and cannot understand her reticence and continued anxiety.  But if your body has consistently let you down why would you expect it to work now?

If you know someone who is pregnant after infertility of some duration show your pleasure at the news but don’t assume anything about how she is feeling.  Just gently ask and be prepared to be surprised by the answer.

Good reading is Kate Brian’s book Precious Babies: Pregnancy, Birth and Parenting after Infertility published by Piatkus.  Highly recommended.


About oliviasview

Co-founder and now Practice Consultant at Donor Conception Network. Mother to two donor conceived adults and a son conceived without help in my first marriage.
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