I love the front cover of the latest edition of the We Are Donor Conceived magazine/journal. It features a young woman with a full sleeve of colourful tattoos and next to her slightly turned head, the words, It’s Complicated. Nothing sums up the dilemmas of donor conception more than this phrase and this beautifully produced publication adds substance and detail to illustrate the range of ways in which donor conceived people are living with the complications of their beginnings. Here are people from all family types. The majority found out the truth about their origins as adults, mostly via DNA testing, but some were told early. Most were conceived by sperm donation. Many have now discovered the identity of their missing biological parent, and sometimes half-siblings too, and feel fulfilled and enriched as a result. All are angry at a fertility industry that continues to promote anonymous donation and – this is in America – fails to monitor and regulate the number of siblings each donor can contribute to bringing to life. Questions of identity are explored. How does it feel to discover that you have a large percentage of DNA from an ethnic group not shared by your raising family…or the other way round, to find your DNA contains no evidence of the ethnic/cultural or faith group you have been raised in? The sense of loss is palpable in many accounts; not only of identity but also of whole generations of genetic relatives they have been denied access to.
This journal is powerful reading but it contains little of the negativity aimed at parents that was present from some earlier contributors under the We Are Donor Conceived banner. Instead there is perhaps a rueful weariness about having to keep banging on about just how complicated donor conception is. As one young woman says, “While I can forgive the past, the fertility industry continues to be unregulated and the rights of donor conceived people are ignored. Having children via donor conception is a privilege, not a right. It’s not up to donor conceived people to figure out the ethical way to create people via third party reproduction…” She goes on to berate the unregulated American system, but those of us in the UK have little reason to be smug. In clinic treatments we do limit the number of half-siblings that can be conceived, but only those created in the UK. Many clinics use sperm imported from abroad and in addition to the ten families here, many, many more will be being made around the world. Worst of all, some UK clinics have started selling abroad the sperm from donors whose UK ‘quota’ has been fulfilled. Past and current users of these donors, and indeed the men themselves, do not appear to be being informed that this is happening so a parent could be feeling happy that they had done the right thing by staying in the UK for treatment, only to find, perhaps via DNA testing later, that their child has very many half-siblings overseas.
Having a child by donor conception IS complicated. This is something that DC Network tries to convey in the workshops the organisation runs for professionals who work in clinics and legal practices as well as in workshops for potential parents. Some professionals seem to have found the shelter of a ‘comfort zone’ masquerading as progressive practice, that goes something like, ‘as long as you ‘tell’ early and often then everything will be fine’, but it really isn’t like that. Just as love is not enough for good-enough child-raising, just ‘telling’ is not good-enough for donor conceived people. They need parents who understand that they may have complicated feelings about being conceived this way, they may have curiosity – great or small – about their genetic relatives and that if they wish to search for them it will mean additional family, not replacement family and that they really need their parents to support them in this quest. Potential parents need to know this from the beginning, but only DC Network and a very few others in the UK are trying to get them to understand the responsibilities that a parent by DC needs to be willing to take on. DCN brings these points to life with talks by donor conceived adults and parents who have faced their children’s questioning about their beginnings. Feedback from these workshops tells us that the message received is a powerful one but until an ‘It’s complicated’ culture is taken to the heart of the fertility industry, most potential parents are unlikely to fully realise what having a child by donor conception really entails.
In the meantime groups like We Are Donor Conceived MUST be listened to. But as lovely as this current publication is, it costs a ridiculous amount to import to the UK. Please WADC, can we have an on-line version too. UK and other people around the world need to read what you have to say.
If you would like to buy a hard copy of he mag you can do so here https://www.wearedonorconceived.com/magazine/. In addition or instead there is lots of excellent content, including personal stories, on the website wearedonorconceived.com
Olivia's View 
I would certainly say its complicated but that is a very difficult thing to convey to people in the midst of distress about infertility. When I found out my husband was infertile we briefly looked at adoption. The first thing I was told was that we needed to wait at least 6 months from the end of fertility treatment to grieve our loss and then start the long process. That was very unpalatable to my husband and I. We were so unhappy and the only thing that was going to make that better was a baby, quickly. So we looked at donor conception and tried the very next month (after the obligatory one hours counselling).
I think (and I’m sure this is not an original thought) that having a six month/year grief period would be a very useful thing prior to donor conception. During this time there should be quite a few obligatory counselling sessions to try to hammer home the “its complicated” message. My donor recipient self would have been very unhappy with this, but it would have been a brief unhappiness compared to a lifetime of making the wrong decision, not processing it and being unable to tell the truth/accept the child’s mixed feelings.
I used to comment on your blog occasionally as a DC parent and also as an egg donor. I now believe that I might be one of the very few (if not only) people in the world who is represented on all parts of the triad. I recently found out (at 44) that my parents used AID in the mid 70s to conceive me. That means a lifetime of secrecy, no records as to who my bio father is and a childhood that is very difficult to look back on with any positivity (despite it being a wonderful childhood, lovely parents) as it was based on a lie.
Despite feeling very negatively towards my own conception and the general horror that was donor conception in the 70s (I may have hundreds of siblings), I don’t feel negatively overall towards donor conception. My children (teens) seem happy, we have been open and honest since birth. Two have absolutely no interest, one does and it is because of her I did the ancestry test and opened a can of worms. We found my donor (the one that I had the kids with) and looking at him online is enough for her right now. She may wish to go further later which I will support her every step of the way with.
Thank you Bothways for your comment. I don’t think you are entirely alone in your situation as I have seen one or two others who have discovered their own conception by donor following having children by DC, on Facebook groups, but I do really feel for you. What a shock. You were being a great parent and supporting your child in his/her curiosity and this led to opening a can of worms of your own. Despite what I said about early ‘telling’ not being enough, I do know from my own children and DC Network families over nearly 30 years now, that it is appreciated and prevents the shock and lack of trust that can occur with late telling. My very best wishes to you all.